Scam Report: Soap Opera Comics

Chris's picture

I always hate being the bearer of bad news, but sometimes it just can't be helped. There is a scam out there, being perpetrated all across America, every single day. If you personally haven't been a victim of it, then I guarantee a family member or neighbor has been. Not only is this scam vile and twisted in its own right, but it also just so happens to attack one of the most critical and beloved of American traditions...the comics page.

I am, of course, referring to what I've dubbed the "Soap Opera Comics." You know what I'm talking about, your Judge Parkers, Mary Worths, and Prince Valiants. These are the disturbingly detailed comics, invariably located at the very bottom of the comics page, whose convoluted storylines are impossible to understand unless you've been reading them for the past 15 years. In fact, since I haven't read them for the past 15 years, I'm not even sure they make any sense at all. They just sit there, full of suck, taking up valuable comic space, seeming to cater to nobody but my grandma who died when I was 10.

SCAM FACT #1: Soap Opera Comics fooled my grandma!


Now, of course I want to be fair before I condemn anyone. As an ex-wrestling fan (damn you, Hogan) I can certainly understand the "soap opera syndrome" of getting caught up in a series, regardless of how ridiculous it is. So the first thing I want to make clear is that yes, I do have experience reading this crap. As an avid fan of the comics page, I have on a number of occasions tried to get into these things, thinking maybe I was missing out on something fantastic. But I swear, reading these things is the equivalent of watching a 5 day mini-series 2 minutes at a time. Three comic panels is a perfect size to watch Sarge pound on Beetle or laugh as Garfield ridicules Jon. It is NOT the perfect size to watch Judge Parker unravel a mystery, or whatever the hell he does, two sentences at a time. By the time you've read enough strips to find out who the murderer was, you've already forgotten how the story began! Every time I've given Mark Trail a chance, he's bored me back into submission before the cliffhanger at the end of the week.

SCAM FACT #2: Mark Trail sucks

So I guess the real question here is "Why the hell do these things exist?" Somebody is out there making them, and for some reason they're being put into the newspaper daily. It certainly isn't because of reader demand. I don't know a single person that wouldn't rather see the same awful Snuffy Smith comic printed twice instead of a new Apartment 3G everyday. So what could the reason possibly be? Let's look back at our facts:

  1. Soap Opera Comics fool old people. (My actual contact with old people being pretty limited, I let my dead grandmother stand in for them all)
  2. Mark Trail sucks. (Therefore keeping most intelligent people away)
A newspaper, like any business, is out to make money. No matter what else they tell you. Therefore, the newspapers must be somehow using these comics to milk old people of their hard earned savings!
The Red Wire needs to get in on this action.
The Red Wire is proud to present our newest addition to the comics page:
Judge Trail 3G!
Judge Trail 3GJudge Trail 3G