Revisiting the retards

Wailing Shabba's picture

Editor’s note: Years ago, during the old iteration of The Red Wire, we unwisely opened the page up to the losers who read it. The result was this giant piece of shit.

This was put on the front page solely because they author ran a fantasy wrestling league frequented by the bass player from Jimmy Eat World or something. Since they were a big band at the time, we thought this dipshit could secure an interview. Well, he never got us the interview and Jimmy Eat World can suck my ass these days, so I’m free to finally rip into this stupid fucking article that I always hated. My commentary is in bold. And if this dingus reads this, I encourage him to leave feedback.

Yes the Shower. You know it, you love it, you can't live without it, unless of course you’re from Western Arkansas. Buh Huh. Most people use the shower to cleanse themselves of dirt and grime. Yuppies in an effort to save time will often shave while in the shower. Fuck you, I shave in the shower. And we can't forget about the 14-year-old boys who use the shower as a place to jerk-off. Guilty there, too. At one time or another, I have probably done all three activities. In fact, I actually do one of the activities everyday, sometimes twice in a day. (I'm talking about the washing aspect of the shower, you perverts.)

WOO HOOOOO He’s got my number; I’m a sex pervert because his clumsy sentence structure led me to believe he was sharing his masturbatory habits with me, but it turns out he was either talking about cleaning or being a 14-year-old boy.

As for me, last year I did something completely unorthodox while in the shower.

Q: What was it you ask?

A: I drank a bottle of beer while taking my shower.

Ok, right here, he was expecting that drinking a bottle of beer in the shower would make him seem like a superwacky rebel like TV’s Steve-O. In honesty, the fact that he’s bragging about it proves that drinking a beer in the shower may have been the coolest thing he’s done all year.

Q: Why would I do that you ask?

A: Truth is I don't know seemed like a good idea at the time though.


And if the Q: is supposed to be me asking him a question, why do I keep ending my questions with ‘you ask?’

It was a Sunday night and I was sitting around my dorm room drinking a sixer of Beck's and watching Evil Dead II: Dead by Dawn. One of the girls from the ladies basketball team at my college had invited me to accompany her to church at 6:30.

Let me start out by saying that I love Evil Dead II. It’s one of my favorite movies. But if you spent ANY nights in college drinking by yourself and watching Evil Dead II, you are a brand new species of loser. That’s the sort of shit that I do now, but I have to keep the sound down because my kid is sleeping upstairs. If you’re doing this shit when you have more freedom than you’ll ever have again, fuck you in twelve different positions.


Also, fuck you for being such a douchnozzle you make a date with a chick to go to church.


I glanced at my clock and realized that it read 5:30. I mean shit it's an hour before mass and I haven't even showered, shaved, or had dinner. The only thing I had going for me was the beer buzz the Beck's had upon my empty stomach. For some reason, as I made my mad dash into the shower, along with my shampoo and soap was another bottle of Beck's. I cracked the import open and stood there drinking with my left hand and lathering with my right. Let me tell you something, it was indeed interesting and I recommend everyone trying it. Also, in no way does this make me an alcoholic.

No, but it does make you a giant tool. The only reason you brought that beer into the shower was in the hopes that one day you could tell people about it on the Internet and sound like a super kooky college hijinx processing plant.

Worse yet: that’s it. That’s his fucking story. He was pressed for time and drank a beer in the shower. That’s his tale of madcap college shenanigans. If you have a blank space to write about the most messed-up thing you did in college, and all you have is ‘I drank a beer in the shower,’ you wasted your life. I almost crashed my car into a box of hand grenades while going to bail my roommate out of jail (true story, by the way), but this guy drank a whole beer in the shower!

But Wait, there's more...

Tales from the Bar:

Showertime fun continues with this classic drunken tale from The Big Fellah.

Yes, he just referred to himself as ‘The Big Fella.’ Just like the sweaty pig sportscaster on every local newscast who masks his insecurity about his ham titties, he just referred to himself as ‘The Big Fellah.’

It was a regular Friday night. I had just spent the last three hours drinking Jim Beam and ginger ales at the Irish American Community Center. It was a quiet night and the bar closed early. After polishing off a six pack of Bud Light with the bartender, I was driven back to my dorm.

BULLSHIT. God, why is it this sheltered little pricks who discover alcohol their freshman year of community college always feel the need to exaggerate this shit? “Oh my God, I’d just had four bottles of Jack before polishing off a twelver of Bud when I smoked the biggest bowl, dude.” No one’s fucking buying it, and it just makes you sound like a God damn 14 year old (which you may or may not have copped to in the opening paragraph).

Bonus subtext: He was drinking with the bartender. For three hours. Not with friends, not with a girl. With the bartender. And, he performed this feat at the Irish Community Center. Not at a bar. At the place where they hold bingo. Class.


By the time I was back in my room, the booze had taken full effect and I was now officially shithoused. After a short burst of laughter thinking about the squirrel’s I saw having sex earlier in the day, I made my way into the bathroom.

As I walked into the bathroom, I could have sworn I saw my buddy J.P. walk into the shower area with his girlfriend. Between J.P., his roommate and myself, a shitload of pranks had taken place on the floor. It started innocently enough with prank phone calls and wiping orange rinds on doorknobs, but it quickly escalated.

Orange rinds? This has to be the most boring prank war I’ve ever heard of.

I decided that I would be the one to take it up a notch and become more daring. Even without the slapping sounds coming from shower stall #1, it was obvious that the two engaged in some form of sexual activity in there. As I drunkenly stumbled by to case the shower area, I became aware that the two had left the curtain for the changing area open wide enough to allow one to reach into it.

The first thing I decided to grab was the shower basket. As I reached under the curtain, I was slowly able to take the basket out without a hitch. As I looked into the basket, I had to hold back what would have been tremendous laughter. For inside the shower basket lay a big ass bottle of KY Jelly. After getting away with that, I once again began to feel daring. I went back and this time was able to make off with all their clothes and towels. As I ran out the bathroom, I threw the bundle of clothing at a kid walking down the hall. Unknown to me, the unsure what to do with the clothes, simply dropped them into one of the garbage cans on our floor. Now just like a crack addict, I felt the need to return to the crime scene one more time.

Crack addicts, in addition to crack, are also addicted to returning to the scenes of their various crimes. It’s the first thing they teach you at the academy.
Also, this guy just bragged about being that cockblocker that everyone tolerates because they sort of feel bad for. You know, the one where your girlfriend tries to hook him up with her ugly friends because if he’d just get laid every once in a while he’d stop bothering everyone so much.

This time I wasn't as successful. As I reached under the curtain, I lost my footing and fell through the first curtain into the changing area. Suddenly, the two people in the shower pulled the curtain open, as I was able to get a quick glance at one set of eyes and then another set of eyes. (Both pairs of eyes came from the same person if you know what I mean.)

I’ve been reading this article with anger for years now, and I still have no idea what the fuck ‘both pairs of eyes came from the same person’ is supposed to mean. He stumbled upon some kind of monster? Without the K-Y Jelly, the friction of their lovemaking had gotten so bad they physically melted together? He’s never actually seen a woman’s undercarriage in person and assumed that the front door and the backdoor must be eyeballs? What does this mean?

The girl let out a tremendous shriek as I jumped to my feet and raced like fire out of the bathroom as fast as possible. I quickly exited the building I live in and scrambled down the road as only a drunkard can. As I was running down the street, from a distance I heard, "Hey John." I slowed down to a walk and asked who was there. The figure replied, "It's me J.P." I stood there dumbfounded as I realized that J.P. was standing before me with his girlfriend in tow. The realization of what I had just done didn't slowly sink in. No rather, I turned white as a ghost, started to shake, and started swearing like a sailor. I was brought back to J.P.'s room where I immediately passed out on a make shift bed of beanbag chairs, some blankets, and a pair of sneakers.


By the way, since he described this like shit, I’ll save you from having to re-read it and spoil it for you: that wasn’t his friend in the shower. LOLZERS! Actually, I’ll describe it further and point out that, since he ended up passing out in his friend’s room, he has now kept four people from having sex just because he wasn’t getting any.

J.P. explained the situation to the other party, and all in all they guy I fucked around with didn't give a shit. Hell he even thought it was funny when he realized that it was me doing all the shit. The girl on the other hand was pissed off because she wanted her lube back, which we were more than happy to give back to her after pulling some pranks with the shit the next day of course.


Told from his own retarded point of view, this comes across as one of those college stories that the truly antisocial kids love to bore you with after their first semester. You see, being around other people is something of a novelty for these pubes, so these hilarious college pranks seem like the end-all be-all.

 

_ __________Shabba's Closing Thoughts _____________

 

In reality, everyone does this shit in college. I killed my roommate’s fish my freshman year as a prank, for fuck’s sake. It’s like hearing someone describe a dream they had; it’s only really interesting if you were there, and since everyone has them, there’s no point in telling them about yours.

He went on at the end of the post to give ‘shout-outs’ to certain non-friends of his, including Robert Berry of Retrocrush (who almost certainly never read the site. But, since he’s a giant man-child I could give a shit.) before telling any ladies in Albany that they could earn a shout-out in his next article by taking him home. Sadly, begging for sex over the Internet was pretty much him going out on a high note.

In closing, this article always bothered me, and the fact that we had to keep it up for political reasons always bothered me more. In recent years, though, I’ve decided to start being more open with my feelings, and step one is to finally tell ‘The Big Fella’ that your sole contribution to this site was a piece of shit, and everyone here hated you for it.